MONKEY: Give me one good reason why John Bolton shouldn't be a U.N. Ambassador.
PANTS: Well, he can be hard to work with.
MONKEY: That's it? No problems with his experience or skill level?
PANTS: Not as such, no. But I heard he can be pretty mean to people.
MONKEY: So? It's not like North Korea is sending their Expert Hugmaster to negotiate with him. Suddenly the other world leaders can't handle some tough talk?
PANTS: It's not that, really. It's more like, Bolton will be mean to, say, North Korea, and then North Korea will use that as an excuse for not doing the right thing.
MONKEY: Well, if North Korea's only going to make excuses, instead of doing the right thing, wouldn't tough talk be appropriate?
PANTS: No, no. You don't understand. If he's nice to North Korea, they won't be able to say he was mean and use that as an excuse.
MONKEY: Okay, but will they do the right thing? I mean, Clinton was hella nice to them for years, and they didn't do the right thing.
PANTS: . . .
MONKEY: In fact, the pattern seems to be "Nice to North Korea = Shenanigans. Confrontation w North Korea = Excuses." Suddenly I'm beginning to understand why Bolton comes across so cranky all the time. And his hatred for the U.N. begins to make sense, too.
PANTS: Look, if you're going to be like that, I'm not going to talk to you anymore.
MONKEY: Excuses, excuses. Wake me up when you're ready to do the right thing.